Comebacks for the Backseat Barbecuer

How to rid yourself of that pesky party guest

Return to 25 days of Christmas

Backseat barbecuers are the worst. Their presence isn’t wanted, their opinions never asked for and they’re rarely any help. If you’re barbecuing over the festive season and get stuck with a vocalised backseat barbecuer, here’s a couple of comebacks to nip them in the bud.

Backseat BBQer: That steak’s lookin’ pretty dry
The steak may look dry but you’re in control, and only you know the level of juicy goodness on the inside. If you have a steak to spare, pour a cup of water over one of them and proclaim “that one’s yours mate”.

Backseat BBQer: About time you turned the sausages
You don’t need to turn sausages to look like you know what you’re doing. Simply grab the offending backseat barbecuer by the shoulders, turn them 180 degrees so they aren’t facing you and continue cooking.

Backseat BBQer: Might need to splash a bit of water on those onions
The onions are fine. They’re caramelizing. Grab a bottle of water and respond passive aggressively with “might need to splash a bit of water on you”. It’s up to you whether you follow through with your threat.

Backseat BBQer: Think you might need to turn the heat up mate
You and your BBQ are one. You know your BBQ’s potential and the heat level is optimal. Reply with “I think we need to turn the heat up on this party” and start blasting Hot in Herre by Nelly.

Backseat BBQer: Do you need a hand with the BBQ?
Serena Williams. Usain Bolt. Muhammad Ali. All great solo athletes. BBQing isn’t a team sport, it’s a solo quest for meat perfection. Just face the backseater and give your best Lleyton Hewitt “come oooooooonn”

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